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Off-Season, Off-Topic, and Off the Wall - (The Return) - post your favorite jokes, puns, one-liners, gifs, and memes
- Oklahombre
- Posts: 1513
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- Triple Option
- Posts: 922
- Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
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- Has thanked: 201 times
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This does not bode well for me:
Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in.
Me: Actually, since we’re underground, it would be magma.
Devil: You understand this is why you’re here, right?
Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in.
Me: Actually, since we’re underground, it would be magma.
Devil: You understand this is why you’re here, right?
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
- OU Guy
- Posts: 12143
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2021 7:22 pm
- 2
- Location: OKC
- Has thanked: 2166 times
- Been thanked: 1891 times
LOL This is all of us who never answer phone from unknown number!
In Brent I Trust
- SwampSooner
- Posts: 914
- Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2021 2:22 pm
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- Has thanked: 349 times
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A midget Texan went to the doctor's office.
After filling out all the forms and providing proof of insurance, he was hustled off to an examination room. The doctor arrived a few minutes later and asked what was the problem.
The midget replied that his testicles hurt something ferocious and he was afraid it may be cancer.
The doctor had the midget drop trow and get up on the exam table.
The doctor cupped the Texan's right testicle and had him cough.
The doctor then cupped the Texan's left testicle and had him cough.
The doctor went to a drawer and pulled out a pair of scissors. He told the Texan that this would not hurt but the midget was terrified and looked away as the doctor approached with the scissors. He heard snip-snip-snip and after a minute heard snip-snip-snip.
As the doctor went to put up the scissors, he told the midget to get off the table, pull his pants up and walk around.
The Texan complied and to his amazement the pain was gone.
He asked the doc what he had done.
"I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots," the doc replied.
After filling out all the forms and providing proof of insurance, he was hustled off to an examination room. The doctor arrived a few minutes later and asked what was the problem.
The midget replied that his testicles hurt something ferocious and he was afraid it may be cancer.
The doctor had the midget drop trow and get up on the exam table.
The doctor cupped the Texan's right testicle and had him cough.
The doctor then cupped the Texan's left testicle and had him cough.
The doctor went to a drawer and pulled out a pair of scissors. He told the Texan that this would not hurt but the midget was terrified and looked away as the doctor approached with the scissors. He heard snip-snip-snip and after a minute heard snip-snip-snip.
As the doctor went to put up the scissors, he told the midget to get off the table, pull his pants up and walk around.
The Texan complied and to his amazement the pain was gone.
He asked the doc what he had done.
"I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots," the doc replied.
- Triple Option
- Posts: 922
- Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
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- Has thanked: 201 times
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I tripped on a box Kleenex this morning, and at first, I thought I might have broken my ankle.
But fortunately, there was only soft tissue damage.
But fortunately, there was only soft tissue damage.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
- SwampSooner
- Posts: 914
- Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2021 2:22 pm
- 2
- Has thanked: 349 times
- Been thanked: 255 times
Being Veteran's Day, I always think of the story about American fighter ace Sven Thorinson. He shot down over 30 Nazi planes during WWII.
Sven was a 1st generation American who grew up in a small Minnesota town and joined the Army after Pearl Harbor.
After V-E Day, Sven was honored in his hometown with a dinner, to which everyone showed up. The mayor went through all Sven's honors, then invited Sven to the podium to speak to the audience.
After Sven's speech, he opened the floor to questions. A small child asked what was Sven's most harrowing experience in the war.
"Ya, Ya, Ya. I was flying over France when I was jumped by 3 Fockers."
A gasp rose from the crowd which caused the mayor to jump up and calm the crowd, explaining that a Focker was a type of Nazi fighter plane.
"Ya, Ya" said Sven, "that is true, but these Fockers were flying Messerschmitts."
Sven was a 1st generation American who grew up in a small Minnesota town and joined the Army after Pearl Harbor.
After V-E Day, Sven was honored in his hometown with a dinner, to which everyone showed up. The mayor went through all Sven's honors, then invited Sven to the podium to speak to the audience.
After Sven's speech, he opened the floor to questions. A small child asked what was Sven's most harrowing experience in the war.
"Ya, Ya, Ya. I was flying over France when I was jumped by 3 Fockers."
A gasp rose from the crowd which caused the mayor to jump up and calm the crowd, explaining that a Focker was a type of Nazi fighter plane.
"Ya, Ya" said Sven, "that is true, but these Fockers were flying Messerschmitts."
- SwampSooner
- Posts: 914
- Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2021 2:22 pm
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- Has thanked: 349 times
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The following is a true story. I was a very sickly child that culminated with a kidney removal when I was 2 years old.
A couple of years ago, my type 1 diabetes flared up and I ended up in the ICU. When discharged, it was suggested I have my kidney checked out by a nephrologist.
I took the records of my operation with me to see the doctor, which he reviewed while I was there. He pointed out that they no longer do this type of surgery and that most people that had this operation don't live past the age of 50.
So, if you ever come to visit and smell something bad at my house, that is just me. I am 16 years past my 'use by date.'
A couple of years ago, my type 1 diabetes flared up and I ended up in the ICU. When discharged, it was suggested I have my kidney checked out by a nephrologist.
I took the records of my operation with me to see the doctor, which he reviewed while I was there. He pointed out that they no longer do this type of surgery and that most people that had this operation don't live past the age of 50.
So, if you ever come to visit and smell something bad at my house, that is just me. I am 16 years past my 'use by date.'
- SwampSooner
- Posts: 914
- Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2021 2:22 pm
- 2
- Has thanked: 349 times
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Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
- SwampSooner
- Posts: 914
- Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2021 2:22 pm
- 2
- Has thanked: 349 times
- Been thanked: 255 times
I went on an once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never Again.
- Triple Option
- Posts: 922
- Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
- 2
- Has thanked: 201 times
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I have a table and chairs that go back to Louis the 14th.
Well, unless I can figure out a way to pay Louis for them by the 13th.
Well, unless I can figure out a way to pay Louis for them by the 13th.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
- Triple Option
- Posts: 922
- Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
- 2
- Has thanked: 201 times
- Been thanked: 404 times
I have a pet termite named Clint - Clint Eats-wood.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
- Triple Option
- Posts: 922
- Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
- 2
- Has thanked: 201 times
- Been thanked: 404 times
Packers QB Jordan Love and Jalen after a game. Someone should write a song.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
- Triple Option
- Posts: 922
- Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
- 2
- Has thanked: 201 times
- Been thanked: 404 times
My kids think modern technology has passed me by.
But that's just because they don't completely understand the fax.
But that's just because they don't completely understand the fax.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
- OU Guy
- Posts: 12143
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2021 7:22 pm
- 2
- Location: OKC
- Has thanked: 2166 times
- Been thanked: 1891 times
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants to play?
In case he gets a hole in one
In case he gets a hole in one
In Brent I Trust
- SwampSooner
- Posts: 914
- Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2021 2:22 pm
- 2
- Has thanked: 349 times
- Been thanked: 255 times
The British say -
The sun never sits on the British Empire.
The French reply -
That's because God doesn't trust them in the dark.
The sun never sits on the British Empire.
The French reply -
That's because God doesn't trust them in the dark.
-
- Posts: 406
- Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2021 11:21 am
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This thread should never drop off the front page.
Poster formerly known as tbmguy
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