Off-Season, Off-Topic, and Off the Wall - (The Return) - post your favorite jokes, puns, one-liners, gifs, and memes

[Triple Option]

Bottom post of the previous page:

Been having some anger issues, so my therapist suggested I write letters to all the people I was mad at, and then burn them. So I did.

But now I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all these letters.

[Triple Option]

In an effort to bring a bit of culture to this board, I'd like to recommend some reading material.

[OU Guy]

[OU Guy]

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

[BudaSooner]

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.


As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."

"Got it," she says, slipping off her panties and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."

He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.

"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your panties!"

"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

[BudaSooner]

During a recent church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Lori stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”
The men in the congregation appeared to cringe and squirm uncomfortably.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” The men all sighed with relief.
Just then, a man in the congregation stood up and walked very quickly toward the podium.
The pastor rose and asked if he had something to add.
"Yes," he said softly, “I’m Phil.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just wanted to tell my wife that the word is STERNUM.”

[Triple Option]

The cashier “Strip down, facing me.”

By the time I realized she was talking about the debit card, it was too late.

[Oklahombre]

Speaking of long threads. Everybody remembers the joke thread from T.O. I was an active participant until I had this feeling it had run it's course. T.O. and I weren't getting the likes or thumbs-ups we were when it was new. I finally realized (maybe) that many were not reading them and I was clogging up the SPORTS board. Maybe I read it wrong, but DC'd my gifs just the same.

Maybe if it was moved to an OT board I would feel different. Sometimes you just need to read the board vibes and they are out there.

Well. here's what you're missing...

[TropicalSooner]

LOLOL.....Oh Hombre......that Border Collie is absolutely freakin' awesome!
Thank you for posting that!! I can't stop laughing!!

[SwampSooner]

Did you hear about the guy who uses Viagra for his sunburn?

It doesn't cure the sunburn but does keep the sheets off his legs.

[Pokerman]

It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Gardai arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from RTE showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

[Triple Option]

A successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I welcome you into the family!” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation. The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”

[Triple Option]

So why is it that when a baby crawls across the floor looking for a bottle, everybody thinks it's cute, but when I crawl across the floor looking for a bottle, everybody thinks I need an intervention?

[SwampSooner]

Two women were catching up at a local coffee shop.

One of the women told the other that she had been worried that her husband would find a woman better than her and leave.

So she watched him closely over a few weeks and relaxed. She realized that he couldn't find anything.